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I am one of the lucky
few who rapidly recovered from a serious mental health trauma.
Hopefully, others who find themselves in similar waters will
reflect on these thoughts and will make it back to shore without
needing to be rescued. Similarly, it is also my hope that family
and friends of someone who has suffered from a break can use
the example of my recovery as a ray of light in the darkness.
It is important to note the circumstances within which such a
rare recovery took place. It is safe to say that my recovery
may never have happened without the love and support from my
family and friends. I believe that this was the single most influential
aspect of my recovery and I am blessed that I had people in the
world that cared about me enough to make the necessary sacrifices
that facilitated my recovery.I know that many people with similar
experiences don't have a similar network of social support. My
family, parents in particular, never gave up hope and used all
of their available resources to assist me. Likewise, my friends
accepted my return to the University of California at Santa Cruz
with open minds and hearts. Although I was physically ostracized
from them while recovering at home in Hawaii, my most important
friendships survived this emergency. I would like to take this
sentence to thank everyone who offered or provided help to me
or my family.I think that another major factor in my recovery
was my personal desire to achieve. This high achievement drive,
and perfectionism in some cases, has been part of my disposition
for as long as I can remember. This disposition combined with
highly driven people surrounding me as I grew up created a strong
personal need to be successful in life. As my experience began
in New York, this need was magnified and created a sense of fear
and uncertainty as I realized that I was barely an adult. I believe
that this identity crisis was the basis for many of the grandiose
delusions that I had.While it was integral to my madness, my
desire to achieve also helped me to recover. Being hospitalized
and leaving school instantly dissolved all the high expectations
that I had for myself or that I thought others had for me. This
translated into a new humbleness as I returned to school and
redefined my identity. I was no longer certain of my success,
but was just happy to be back. This new attitude combined with
my existing need for achievement created a newfound sense of
interest and intensity in the events in my life. I also felt
that there must have been a greater reason for what happened,
and I was determined to make the best of my situation .Once again,
I am thankful that this was something that was possible. I imagine
that some breaks are much harder (if not impossible) to recover
from. For example, I am not suffering from chronic schizophrenia
or any organic brain damage. My episode was acute, and this is
an important footnote in my recovery. I have not needed any medication
or any additional mental health services for nearly three years,
and this is not always the case for someone who breaks with reality.I
also believe that the nature of my acute experience Û starting
off spiritual and progressively becoming psychotic Û was
an important factor in my recovery. For the first several weeks
of my journey, I was seeing auras, communing with nature, understanding
the mysteries of the micro and macroscopic universe, and talking
with angels (or at least feeling channeled). This became dysfunctional,
however, as I tried to explain these experiences to myself. As
a result, what I still consider to be positive spiritual growth
became intertwined with psychotic thoughts involving paranoia
and grandiose beliefs. As the fantasy world that I was constructing
grew more elaborate and insane, my connection with the physical
world disappeared too. By the 7th week, it is arguable that I
experience a total separation of my consciousness from my physical
body as I stopped eating and sleeping.While I had some personal
experience with altered states of consciousness from previous
drug use, I was not prepared to travel to the dimensions of the
mind that I found myself in nor did I have a guide. My suggestion
to anyone who is experiencing a spiritual emergence is this:
do not hesitate to find help if the experience becomes (or has
become) an emergency. But what defines an emergency? When should
someone get help or know when to get help? Is this possible?I
firmly believe that moments of spiritual revelation and insight
can be similar if not indistinguishable from moments of psychosis.
However, the core difference exists in the person's interpretation
of these moments. Enlightened understandings do not involve the
ego as their basis! I initially understood the spiritual "big
picture," but my perception of my role within this picture
became progressively inaccurate (and psychotic) as my finite
mind tried to make sense of the infinite. The paranoia and grandiosity
that resulted from my spiritual awakening was not spiritual.
It was dysfunctional and required intervention, but was the intervention
that I received appropriate?The mainstream psychiatric/medical
community typically understands and treats such dysfunctionality
as a neurological chemical imbalance. This is tough to argue
with considering the anti-psychotic medication did bring me back
to "reality." Sometimes I wonder whether I would have
been able to come back to "reality" without medication.
It is debatable and also moot. Whatever I was experiencing had
a biological component, and tweaking it brought me out of madness.
Despite the few weeks of anguish that resulted from improperly
balanced medication, I believe that psychiatric drugs are effective
and should be used in many situations involving psychosis.While
many mental illnesses or psychotic episodes are dysfunctional
and detrimental to the individual and those around him/her, there
is also an over-emphasis on the use of medication and a lack
of validation of the experiences in typical treatment programs
and facilities. In this society, mental illness and dysfunction
is rooted in a pathological model: such abnormality is sick and
needs to be made better. As a result, the modern mental health
approach is to medicate first and ask questions later. This is
the case, regardless of the type of mental illness, and this
is unfortunate given the potential for spiritual evolution from
altered states of consciousness.While the positive, symptom-reducing
effects that anti-psychotics (and anti-depressant) are well demonstrated,
I do not believe that psychiatric medication should be the primary
treatment approach in episodes that include spiritual emergencies.
These experiences should first be understood and treated therapeutically
from a Transpersonal paradigm or spiritually by a holy person.
If these methods are unsuccessful or of minimal success, medication
should be integrated into the treatment process.I would love
to see professionals trained in Transpersonal psychology be able
to treat these particular "psychotic" experiences and
delve into the mystical and spiritual side of acute psychosis.
Presently, this is logistically impossible given the current
medical model. Persons in psychosis are typically first "treated" in
an emergency room and immediately medicated. Integration of the
Transpersonal with the medical would need to exist in every emergency
room. This would r.01equire a total paradigm shift in how our
society views altered states of consciousness and mental illness
and how all doctors, therapists, and EMTs are trained. This certainly
won't happen soon, but this conference is a great start. In the
meantime, I believe that many insights into humanity, society
and our relationship with the spiritual are being ignored, medicated,
and lost.
You can contact Wayne at jh@pacbell.net
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